Before I start, I am a big fan of no contact with people who are more invested in controlling you than even knowing you, no less investing in your growth. Abuse is a thing, some behaviors are toxic. Those relationships are not what I am attempting to discuss here. Only YOU can decide where that line is for you.
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Can I discuss for a minute the idea that as we as people grow and change, our relationship to our relationships will also change. Just because what used to work for me no longer does, doesn’t mean the relationship is toxic. It doesn’t mean I have to label either myself in the past or the people with whom I need to adjust relationships with as toxic. Let’s just call it different.
I used to need that, whatever it is. Now with time, growth and hopefully healing, I need something else. This can mean needing new boundaries, reframing relationships or even breaking up. This does not mean that anyone needs to be vilified. Human relationships are not zero sum games. They are layered protocols of interactions and attachments. If we as people are growing and changing then the nature of our relationships will need to grow and change as well. You and the people you care about might not be on compatible paths. That is ok. In healthy relationships we realize that everyone’s growth is personal and independent of others. These paths will diverge if people are allowed space and safety to find themselves and their own ways. There are no villains here (at least there don’t have to be.) Just people doing their best to both follow their own paths, support their own journeys and still connect with the people around them. As people heal, they grow and change. These changes mean adjustments to relationships. You will get closer to people going the same direction as you, or are invested in your growth no matter which direction it is. You will feel distance and friction with people who are going different directions and not invested in your growth, if it is not in the same way they are already going. This is a neutral concept. This difference just needs different kinds of boundaries.
Meanwhile I think too often this discussion gets framed in an adversarial model that doesn’t have to be there. There is nothing inherently amoral or bad about having or developing incompatible needs in a relationship. This realization opens up whole worlds of options for establishing new relationships with the people already in our lives.
Big Thoughts in Our Little World 