No

I trap myself in impossible situations. Stupidly complex.

From my point of view. 

I know it’s myopic.

From the outside it’s easy, it’s simple.

Just get up.

Just say hello.

Just send it. 

Just make it. 

Just do it. 

Just smile. 

I don’t expect anyone to understand. I may have barriers. 

Invisible like a mime. Self imposed pretentious. Superfluous.

Just get up. 

Just try.

Just walk away.

Just ask for help.

And when I listen, I really try

when even I can’t explain.

Tell me how to help.

Do what I say.

***Crickets***

I retreat. The cure is worse than the disease.

Explaining myself, justifying my space.

Why are you hurting?

Why can’t you just stop.

Why?

Just stop it.

Stop.

Retreat. Back to my cave with the echos and voices.

Angry ghosts repeat their shadow lessons.

Worthless

Hopeless

Helpless

Forgotten

Invisible

Insubstantial

Nothing

Nothing

No

If I make it until morning. I feel the scraping pain of armor construction.

Of building the prison I keep myself in.

I limit my pain to me. 

I don’t want your pity.

I will drown in your worry.

I refuse to do your emotional labor.

If I decide to say no to the sun. 

That’s my choice.

If this is my path I will not force you or even ask you to be my witness.

I’ll wait.

My prison, my armor, my pain, they are not your responsibility. 

Fuck you and your interest. 

Fuck all interest without investment. 

When I stop building, fixing, maintaining

If/when it all falls apart. 

I will have do one to blame but myself.

Don’t worry. 

You’re in the clear.