Author: Giggleklutz

You want to know why I’m so isolated?
I was told at a young age I was out of control.
I needed to be put in a cage.

So I built myself one.
I don’t know how I justified it
Whether I thought I was protecting everyone from me
or me from everyone.
I suspect there is fluctuation between these points.

None wanted to come into my cage, and no one invited me into theirs.
And since I didn’t even know it was there I bumped into it all the time.
It made me sad and mad.
I blamed myself
my worth
my abilities
my frustration
my lack of self control often due to my frustration
my mental illness
my trauma

My cage that I was instructed to build
made me into a paranoid creature
Trolls in her brain

When you are punished randomly and fiercely
When any effort to demand your worth or feelings is also punished swiftly
When the feelings and thoughts of strangers is more important than your own,
You receive instructions
In code
for cage construction.
Now I’m dedicated to doing what I think I’m supposed to do.

People who love me couldn’t reach me in there.

I gave some people I deemed worthy the key. Encouraged them to open the door.
I still wouldn’t come out.

Now I do, but it’s hard to move, hard to know what to do when no longer confined.
The overwhelm is so powerful.