Category: Musings

Two Truths and a Lie

My depression is not depression
it’s anger.
Notice the difference now.
You can’t medicated away anger.
I Refuse to die for it, too.

Refuse to give up because I might hurt someone’s feelings or sensibilities.
Refuse to give up after coming so far.
Refuse to give ground on my truth.
If my truth is based in lies?
Why is that??

Certainly not for me.
Lies are never efficient.

People forget lies might change a story,
but not the evidence.
Lies leave evidence, too.

If you lied to me and I believed you,
you might have forgotten the truth.
Repurposed it,
built over everything that was
so no one would ever find it.

That’s not usually what happens though.
Now that I believe you,
you are left with that gap in our stories.
Two truths and a lie.
The burden of that gap lies with the liar.
The believer doesn’t know it’s there.
Though the evidence, the reality
affects them both.

This burden, this gap, becomes a place that can no longer stand
spotlight of scrutiny.
It grows stagnant, poisonous.
It’s directional existence will put a wedge between us.
A place we cannot go.
For a reason only the liar knows.

There will be evidence for the believer,
The changed subject,
change of mood, change of plan.
They will see the touchy subject,
and often avoid it out of convenience, too.
But it doesn’t go away.

Even if I believe you,
the lie is still a lie.
It will poison our relationship, but not me.
It will poison your wellbeing, but not mine,
except that your wellbeing affects mine.

Me wanting to help you deal with suffering you caused yourself,
by lying,
that compassion, that love,
that you have to keep at arms length to protect the lie.
The secret, I, who believes you cannot see,
but clearly you suffer from.

Your panic at my kindness will blindside me.
Your shift from adoration to contempt will become permanent.
You will blame me for believing you,
more than you blame yourself for lying.

And I will just witness. All. This. Pain.

Cube Game out of Context

With lovely horrified nostalgia,
I miss your terracotta shop.

The digital process using absurd language for situations,
lead to fantastical thought experiments
that turn the stomach and remain gleeful just the same.

What??!??

“As I create a trap for villagers,
that usually releases them….before they drown.
Wait for them to get hungry so I can lure them into the tiny
shop so they can’t escape.”

Digital situation applied to human affect
Morals leave questions of extension of empathy.

Do avatars feel pain? Or boredom? or Desire?
And it is just a game.

Still… Even in its most extrapolated imagining,
elicits an emotional empathetic response.

Still the slave labor underground vault of colorful blocks was beautiful.

And I miss it.

We Are Trailblazers

I was doing research for another article I want to write to post here, and I fell down a rabbit hole and it won’t be ready for a while. In the mean time I was reminded that what we call a “Normal Life” right now is something that has never existed before.

Human beings instantly being able to talk to each other, anywhere on the planet? Sharing ideas, supporting each other, flinging insults… the whole thing! This has never been done before. There is no way to know if we are doing it right or wrong. I don’t think you CAN do it right or wrong, and then I remember the insults thing. Yeah there is a lot we can do better.

I just wanted to take the time to just remind myself and anyone who reads this, that we are in uncharted territory. The results of what we do now will have lots of unintended consequences. This isn’t to scare myself or anyone else into stagnation, no it is to validate the gravity of that fact. To cut myself a little slack when I feel daunted getting up in the morning and not knowing if I as a person am up to navigating the ENTIRE UNIVERSE AT MY INSTANT FINGERTIPS. It is daunting and the reality is that what I do in that shared digital space has consequences that unlike the physical reality, they do not decay with time.

Our brains and instincts are set up to help us navigate a mammalian animal life. That life exists in a physical realm where change is unavoidable and absolutely necessary, stagnation is death and decay, (which is also change). We cannot escape it, but there is a comfort in that also. We can accept our note in the song our place in the cycle of things.

As we trailblaze into this new universe we created for ourselves, everything we do is visible and stays. It is a strange new relationship with responsibility, a call to be more genuine. A gentle reminder that what we create ends up having a life of its own outside any expectations of what it would be. This will be good and bad, but mostly it will just be.

So it’s ok to be daunted by the enormity of the face of everything at once, and we are all doing it the best we can. None of us have ever done it before, we can’t look to history to see what its impacts will be. We have to watch them unfold even though we won’t have perspective to see the real patterns. We are in the thick of it right now, way too close to what’s happening to see anything at all.

So I choose, every day to try to be clearer and kind. If I’m going to send ripples out into this new universe, I don’t want them to be ones that I’m ashamed of. I want to create places I want to come back and visit. When I remember this time of my life (Its the internet none of this is going anywhere). I may look back and think I was pretentious and naive, but hopefully also kind. That’s the trail I want to blaze.

We Get the Golden Rule Wrong

“Do unto others as you would have them do onto you.”

That was the golden rule as it was taught to me. I thought it was the real definitive way to know how to treat other people. I would literally treat other people the way I wanted them to treat me, basically teach them how to treat me by treating them the same way.

There is just one problem with that. Other people aren’t me. They are their own whole other person, with thoughts, needs, feelings, history, culture and the list goes on and on. How I want to be treated has no bearing on how other people want to be treated. By living the golden rule literally, I mostly became annoying.

Really the take away from how we treat other people is how we think it is acceptable to act. What I mean when I say that is if you are a disher of harsh criticism, it sets the scene for others to think that harsh criticism is how you interact with the world so criticizing you harshly is acceptable. This may or may not be the criticizer’s preference, but now it is out there anyway.

So instead of the simplistic golden rule, I think of it this way: Treat others the way THEY want to be treated, AND behave the way I want others to behave around me. I like being treated with respect. I know that every person feels respected in different ways. I try to follow their lead and listen when they tell me I’m off.

Little Things

I prefer everyday comforts to sweeping or dramatic shows of affection. I feel so loved by someone bringing me a cup of coffee.

I never felt as seen or accepted by receiving a gift, or from a public declaration. Just a humble gesture, and I am warmed to the core. All the more so if brought to me so I didn’t have to get up.

I don’t know if my core self sees these things as permissions, but it might. An offering of coffee is an investment in my ease, encouraging my rest. Odd significance to put on a caffeinated beverage, but I know I’m not alone in that oddity. It’s not about the coffee though.

It’s about love showing in the smallest, most significant ways.