Tag: strategy

Friction

Today I want to talk about how I reframe interpersonal conflict. At some point I realized that for the most part, people are just people doing their own thing and occasionally that process gets in the way of other people just trying to do their own thing. The places where their paths get in the way of each other I started to call friction.

So now when I find my self upset or emotional at all about someone else’s behavior I look for the friction points. What are they doing exactly? How does that affect what I’m doing or trying to do? How do I feel about that? What do I want now that I have this information? How do I communicate that?

It ends up a tall order BUT it centers my needs for me, before it even considers what the other person is trying to do for themselves. Why would I want that? Well this does a few things:
1. It makes me accountable for discovering my own wants and needs
2. It puts the burden of communicating them on me (diffuses the need for the other person to mind read)
3. It prevents me from projecting the motivations of another person, before I communicate with them.
4. It gives me a chance to both find my needs and support myself.
5. It let’s me find concrete things to ask for or discuss about impact without getting stuck on emotions.
6. It prevents me from accepting the other persons needs as more important than mine as a default.

And these are just the reasons I can think of in this moment.

Now all this is the ideal, not the reality. It’s what I’m trying to do not necessarily what I am able in the moment to do. I am human and I’ve been through a lot. I know my emotions are trying to tell me something, that’s why I’m upset. With my recent growth though, I am understanding that my emotional world is my own. No one else is going to be affected by the world or another person’s actions the same way I will. I have my own unique body, history and experiences. So does everyone else. Our personal experiences are just that PERSONAL. Meaning my emotions, the signals my body gives me to help me understand my experiences, are also personal. They do not translate from one person to another directly. To communicate my needs and wants and have them really be understood, I must do the translation myself.

When I first started this process I found it really unfair. It’s not fair that I have to do all this work when I’m already feeling so hurt, angry or betrayed. Since I have started trying to see conflict as friction, and centering my feelings for myself, it has gotten easier. So much easier. I don’t need others to validate my feelings anymore. (It still feels good when they do, but I accept my feelings whether or not anyone else recognizes them as valid.) I remind myself that if I have my feelings, if I can perceive them, they exist. That is valid.

Ok, so I accepted that my feelings are valid, now what? I have to treat them like they are a top priority. Now it is important to acknowledge here that valid does not mean valid or important to anyone else, these are my feelings and they are important to me. Everyone else has feelings that are as valid and important to them. This shift allows me to care for my feelings and opens up space for the other person to care about theirs.

This internal work lets both people focus on the actual points of friction, without judging each other’s paths, without invalidating each other’s feelings, gives space for both to express their individual needs, because the focus is now on defining and resolving the friction, not on who’s feelings are more important.

House Rules

Handwritten sign saying: House Rules 1.People are more important than rules 2.The punishment for breaking these rules is an honest conversation. 3. You are responsible for your own messes.
The Rules in my house.

These are my house rules. They look very simple, and they are. I tried to distill the reason for needing rules at all and come up with a formula for how to exist in a shared space. This is what I came up with, three simple rules, but so far they have covered everything that has come up in the years that we have had them at my house.

I want to talk a bit about how they work.

1. People are more important than rules.

I wanted to remember in moments of conflict that the people I live with are important to me. I care about how they are doing and how they are feeling. A person currently having an emotional response to something, will need to experience that first. Conflict cannot be resolved well if we don’t allow for people to have their feelings. (Now how those feelings are expressed may cause messes, see rule 3)

2. The punishment for breaking these rules is an honest conversation.

It might seem funny that this is rule number two. That was deliberate. This rule is the second one, because it sets the expectations for how rules and working together in this space are going to go. If a conflict arises the worst thing that is going to happen, that is not a direct consequence of the issue of the conflict itself, is we have to talk about it. Punishments are by definition additional to the actual consequences of past actions. That is why we have two terms for those concepts. This means there will be no revenge, no getting even, these rules are to help us get along, not to overpower each other.

3. You are responsible for your own messes.

This one seems more simple than it is, too. This refers to the messes we physically make in our space, but also emotional ones in our relationships. This applies to where we harmed each other that pain exists because of a choice that was made. This also does not mean that you cannot ask for help with cleanup. This means that if you are currently not in crisis, sick, etc. that you are responsible for asking someone to do what you cannot. For example: If it’s your day to do the dishes and you don’t have the spoons to make that happen, it is your responsibility to line up someone else to do them for you.

I share these as an example of how you can have “rules” to guide behavior that do not have to be punishment based, they do not have to rely on a hierarchy, they can allow for individuality of self and expression. These work for us but demand that we each invest in cooperation and mutual respect, both for each other and our shared space and responsibilities. I have a small hope that this might inspire someone else. 🙂