House Rules

These are my house rules. They look very simple, and they are. I tried to distill the reason for needing rules at all and come up with a formula for how to exist in a shared space. This is what I came up with, three simple rules, but so far they have covered everything that has come up in the years that we have had them at my house.

I want to talk a bit about how they work.

1. People are more important than rules.

I wanted to remember in moments of conflict that the people I live with are important to me. I care about how they are doing and how they are feeling. A person currently having an emotional response to something, will need to experience that first. Conflict cannot be resolved well if we don’t allow for people to have their feelings. (Now how those feelings are expressed may cause messes, see rule 3)

2. The punishment for breaking these rules is an honest conversation.

It might seem funny that this is rule number two. That was deliberate. This rule is the second one, because it sets the expectations for how rules and working together in this space are going to go. If a conflict arises the worst thing that is going to happen, that is not a direct consequence of the issue of the conflict itself, is we have to talk about it. Punishments are by definition additional to the actual consequences of past actions. That is why we have two terms for those concepts. This means there will be no revenge, no getting even, these rules are to help us get along, not to overpower each other.

3. You are responsible for your own messes.

This one seems more simple than it is, too. This refers to the messes we physically make in our space, but also emotional ones in our relationships. This applies to where we harmed each other that pain exists because of a choice that was made. This also does not mean that you cannot ask for help with cleanup. This means that if you are currently not in crisis, sick, etc. that you are responsible for asking someone to do what you cannot. For example: If it’s your day to do the dishes and you don’t have the spoons to make that happen, it is your responsibility to line up someone else to do them for you.

I share these as an example of how you can have “rules” to guide behavior that do not have to be punishment based, they do not have to rely on a hierarchy, they can allow for individuality of self and expression. These work for us but demand that we each invest in cooperation and mutual respect, both for each other and our shared space and responsibilities. I have a small hope that this might inspire someone else. 🙂